Lawless

GOOD GRIEF!  I did NOT know how big that photo was going to be on the last post!!! Yeow!  I guess I better double check before mobile publishing!  HA!

Sometimes I feel like I have burdened my children with the yoke of the law, the Sutton law.

Inside these walls, there must be an order that is carefully maintained, otherwise, seriously, it goes bananas in no time fast.  This applies to dishes, laundry, grocery consumption, volume control, behavior, demands for attention, the messes in the kitchen, the messes on the main floor, the messes in the basement, the yard, the car... the list goes on and on.


I feel like I bark orders day in and day out. 

Here's what I mean.  I walk into the kitchen in the morning, and there is a stack of papers on the table.  There is a glob of jelly that has trailed from the countertop, down the cabinet door, into a heap on the floor. The bread bag is wide open on top of the fridge with a few stray slices falling out. The trash is overflowing.  There is a pile of wet towels on the floor next to the trash can, and beneath the water dispenser on the fridge is a puddle of water.  The milk is on the counter.  The dishes are piled in both sinks.  The water is running.  The front door is open.  The garage door is open.  The dogs are whining next to the food bowls...  AAAAAAHHHHH!

You think I exaggerate... it's real.  I get so overwhelmed.  I get so frustrated as I go through the list.  If I don't hold anyone accountable, no one will ever change.  Sometimes I start in and never stop all day long.  "Clean up your mess on the table.  Who used the jelly?  Clean it up! Who put the bread away?  You need to close up the end before you put it up or it will dry out.  Would you please take the trash out?  Yes, all of the trash on the floor too, and put the lid on the trash can..."  It just keeeeeeps going.  I feel like an like a bossy pants.  I feel like I am saddling these poor kids with unnecessary burdens. 

Here's the problem.  I don't know what to do.  How do I balance grace with teaching these kids responsibility?  I want to do it right, but I'm not sure what right is!  I just grounded one of the boys from eating Doritos on splurge day because he ate some chips without permission.  At bedtime.  And he left the bag open in the pantry. Is it worth it?  It was a few chips!  ugh.

On top of it all, I know that I could not bear the weight of this burden the way they do.  I don't keep the rules I put on them.  I think that is what makes me feel the worst.

I have great parents.  In hindsight, they seem to have been really balanced, not too dramatic, and careful to be fair.  Growing up was pretty easy-breezy. I don't need therapy.  I'm happy! I just wish I knew the answers more often, like they always seemed to.


I have this anxiety, see.  I have this knot in my stomach.  I can't get a full breath.  It comes and goes, but it mostly comes and hangs around.  I don't know if it's my life, the busyness, the intensity, the sheer constancy.  Or maybe it's the lurch, the changes.  I'm working, Dale's days off changed, our bills changed, and next month school is starting for him and for us.  I can't pinpoint it because it's with me all the time.  Nothing makes it better or worse.  WAAAH! 

For what it's worth, I think I my children are happy.  As long as Dale and I are getting along, they are good. But what about the future?  Are they going to get out of here and go far, far away, rebelling from the iron fist of the law?  Who can predict.  I can't live my life in fear, but sheesh. I gotta get a grip. 

lvb

Makeup

Maybe you remember a few months ago when I was desperate for an update. Was I around back then? I was feeling of and frumpy. I had my eat friend won't for my hair, and I went to my in house makeup expert to update my face.

Kennedy says that black liquid eyeliner is critical for modern makeup. I was reluctant at first, but one I went for it, I loved the look.

The other morning I and Dale I'd the thought I was wearing to much. He said the black was too thick.

I decided to pare it down a little today. In the bathroom mirror, ii like it. After looking at the picture, I realize you're badly I nerd the black.

My red hair lends itself to invisible eyelashes and eye brows, which makes my eyes disappear when I have no makeup on.

Here's my dilemma. I heard some guys saying that women wear makeup for other women. I was incensed at the time, but now I'm thinking there may be something to that!  I want him to like how I look, but I also want to like what I see in the mirror!

What do you think?

Lvb

And a new chapter begins

I'm super excited about Dale starting school next month! 

He got books in the mail this week.  I love to walk into a room and see him in the zone with his head in another world.  Today we all sat around the dining room table after dinner while he studied.  The little ones colored and clipped coupons with me, the big kids did their own thing with their devices.  It was kind'a great!

It's amazing to me how different he is already.  He's focused.  He's determined.  He's awesome! 

I walked through the kitchen last night after it was all cleaned up and had one of those moments.  You know the moments when you see a snapshot of your life, and you realize how good you have it? 

He is in pursuit of the impossible dream.  I mean, seriously, eight kids, a high stress job, a high maintenance wife; who would take on a PhD? 

I am excited for him to see it all come to fruition.  He's made my dreams come true, I look forward to doing everything I can to help him.

Happy summer days, my sweet friends!!

lvb

Fourth of July 2013

We spent the Fourth of July in Richmond with the Suttons.  It couldn't have been a more perfect day to sit under a shade tree and drink sweet.

 

 That is exactly what we did for most of the day right here in this circle.

When we lived in California, I was telling a neighbor how excited I was to be moving back to Missouri, as if anywhere but the Sunshine State were inferior.

 

 I said, "Because in Missouri, we sit outside and drink sweet tea in the evenings.  It's the good life!"

 She looked at me like I had lobsters crawling on my face.

 I wouldn't trade this for life in California for million bucks.  Unless I could get a promise that we could move back in six months.  Then I'd take the mil. 

 Moses has had a rough couple of days.  He's still not himself.  Three days of fever and fussing and incessant drooling has me convinced that those top teeth are coming.  I hope that's all it is...

 Grandma and Grandpa Welker stayed and stayed right here in this spot.  I am so thankful for the cool breeze and the shade that kept them comfortable for so long.  It was a blessing for them to be surrounded by family!

 There was food.

 There were fireworks.

 There was swimming.

And there was a dog.

 

It was a great 4th of July!  One for the books.  That's what they say, ya' know. One for the books.

 

lvb

La vida domestica

This afternoon I found my necklace dangling in the peanut butter jar.

Seriously? In the jar?  Come on! 

What could I do?  I knew the culprit was either five or two (years old).  Yelling would only cause trauma to their little psyches, and for what?  A dumb necklace that someone gave me instead of tossing it in a donation bag?  Not today.

It was a busy day, see.  We scrambled through the morning to get dressed for sweet Ashton's memorial service, in between Dale going to the Y, and the painters coming to prep for next week's paint job. Moses was super fussy and a little feverish, but it seems like someone is feverish everyday around here so I didn't think much of it.  He napped through breakfast, so I gave him another bottle on the way to the cemetery.  Jasmine held him while I got situated with the baby sling and just as I reached for him, he threw up.  It wasn't spit up, it was projectile vomit.  Poor dude... poor Jas.  He got us both, but I didn't agonize over my outfit this morning like she did.  I stripped his shorts off, scrubbed his shirt with wipes and we headed over to the gravesite. 

On the way, he lost it again.  This time it went all over his shirt and down my leg.  Third time he totaled his blanket, and boom.  He was down to a diaper and no blanky, and I was pukey from top to bottom.  I didn't care.  There was way too much going on for me to stress over clothes. I did feel sorry for my little dude... he was so fussy, and it was pretty hot in the sun.

The service was peaceful, but painful.  This little life left a big hole.  The only hope comes with knowing that he is with Jesus.  I'm a tiny bit envious... He is there in heaven right now!

We had lunch after the service in KC. By the time we got home, I was wiped out.  I climbed in bed to snuggle Moses, but it was a long time before I drifted off.  He fussed and wiggled and finally went to sleep in his own bed.  Dinner rolled around pretty quickly so I told the kids to make sandwiches since we ate a late lunch at the restaurant. 

This is how my necklace ended up in the peanut butter jar.  I was comatose in my room while Deisha, I am guessing, made herself a sandwich.  The necklace must have been hanging in her way, so she hung it close by, on the jar. Ha! 

Mostly I am grateful that I didn't have to make dinner or clean it up.  As a matter of fact, when Dale got home, he fried bacon and eggs for both of us!  ...sweet boy.  I love him... 

I think Moses is trying to cut that top tooth again.  There is a bump on his gums that is a new development.  His fever dropped off by early afternoon, so hopefully he will be up to par for tomorrow's festivities! 

In case I don't make it back here, Happy 4th of July, my sweet friends!  I just adore you!  Thank the Lord for our Independence as you blow things up tomorrow!!

lvb

sadness...

My closest cousin had a terrible calamity in his family this week.

He had to let his beautiful son go into the precious arms of Jesus, only two hours after his birth. 

We are so, so sad for the whole family.  I am sick for them.  I cannot imagine what must be going on in their minds.

Ashton was very sick in utero with cystic kidney disease, but we were all praying and holding out hope for a miracle.  For whatever reason, his miracle came on the other side of this life.

Sadness.

I bathed Moses and my little girls and washed my hair tonight to cut some of the mad-dash chaos down in the morning. As I was thinking about what I would wear tomorrow, I thought about my cousin's wife. She's beautiful and strong.  I wonder how she is functioning right now, days after childbirth, preparing for the funeral.  The hormones alone... I am praying for her over and over and over again. It's breaking my heart.

These two have taken hits for the past year, one thing after the next.  I have watched them pick up the pieces and move on repeatedly trusting the Lord to lead.  It's terrible to witness.  I have been in that dark and lonely valley.  I was there for a long time.  It's harder than it seems.

Please pray for them.  It sounds cliché, but Jesus is more tangible in the darkness than any other time.  He is bigger and stronger and more powerful when we are small and weak and helpless.  Pray that they do not lose heart.  He will heal the broken places, but the healing hurts.

lvb

Recovery

I don't think I can do it today. 

 I feel mean.  I feel hostile.  Baby's crying. Dog's barking. TV's broke.  Bank account's broke. Everyone's mad at me.  It's 9:25 AM. Now there's some error message that keeps popping up at the top of the screen. I'm about ready to have a total freak out.

I don't even want to do it.  What I want to do is drop the blinds, put my earplugs in, and get back in my bed.  I want to stay there alllllll day.  But I can't.  I have all these kids and this insurmountable mountain of responsibility to tackle today. 

There is a big pile of laundry on the living room floor... all mine.  I have to deal with it before anything else.

Its a really good thing I don't drink because I have the potential to be a serious drinker. It's just in me, waiting for me to cross that line. I know that because when I feel like this, I think about mixing up a cocktail.  These women on TV that start the day with a cocktail, I get it.  That tells me that I am fully capable of being that girl, except for grace. God help me... I'm weak.

The Baptist church is starting Celebrate Recovery in a few weeks, so they are doing a series to prepare the church for the influx of souls that will seek refuge in our church.  So the preachers asks, "What are you recovering from?" At first I thought, "These poor drug addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics.  They have such screwed up lives.  Only God can help them.  I should do something to help."

The more he talked, the more I looked at my own screwed up mess.  It looks good from the outside, people.  It really does.  I wish you could've seen my hair yesterday.  It looked so good!  But I am a mess.  I have problems, and I try to cover them with my great big optimism and faith.  I heard someone on the radio talking about nurturing the inward beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, and I got tears in my eyes.  I am so far from that... so, so far.  (But the hair counts for something, right?)

He says, "The first step in AA is to admit that you can't control whatever it is."

I wrote on my paper, "Money.  Food,  Anger." 

I can't control our money.  I can't control what I eat.  I can't control this wave of insane anger that takes over me. 

There. I admitted it.  Now what?  Do I need to go to Celebrate Recovery?  I'm thinking about it.  If only I had an extra couple of hours each week to go to the meetings.  If I thought it would make a difference, I'd really go.  But I don't believe it would help me.  Some help I'll be for the poor souls that really believe in it. 

What's wrong with me...?

I am overwhelmed. I need help.  I need God to help me. 

I'm not sure I can do this today.

lvb