Updating!!!

When I started blogging in California, I found a way to post from my phone, remember the joy it brought me?  Well I no long had the same email address, so I lost access to my original blog site, which I loved.  It still bothers me that I can't go back there... boo.

So I chose a name that made me laugh for my address and now it's too hard to tell people where to find me, so I'm moving.  Hopefully this will be the last move for us! 

You can find me HERE! 

 Let me know you're with me!!!

Hallmarks

Ravi Zacharias was on the radio as we were driving home from a bang-up week at my mom's.  He is amazing.  Amazing.  The way he communicates is nothing short of brilliant.  Unfortunately, my capability to retain anything from his messages, no matter how in awe I am, is limited.

It's one of the hazards of having a large brood of children. 

Short attention span.

Minimal thought retention.

He said, "Humility is the hallmark, the hallmark, of great leadership."

He said something equally profound immediately following that statement, but I can't remember what it was. It was something about the iron in a star being too much for the star to sustain.  It actually burns itself out.  It implodes.  It's the same with men and power.  They cave after the power overtakes them.

It really got me thinking. I pride myself on being focused on my marriage.  I try to keep peace at all costs. It usually works out well, until the cost is my convenience, or my pride, or my own selfish ambition.  That's the thing... humility is not a hallmark in my life. 

This past week I was lavished with compliments about my youthful energy, and my children's good behavior, and my constant smile.  It started to go to my head until the baby had two days of teething, yelling and crying day and night off and on.  By the time I had the car loaded and the clean-up done before we left, I was on the verge of a total freak out. 

I sat down at the dinner table and Kennedy said, "What's the matter mom?  You look like you wanna kill someone!" 

My sister-in-law said, "You're scaring me, a little bit." 

I didn't look youthful or energetic.  I was snapping at my kids, who were responding inappropriately.  I was scowling. I felt angry, and I wanted to cry. Everyone tip-toed around me so I didn't melt down.

I love to have my ego stroked.  Who doesn't?  My dilemma is... I can handle not being complimented.  I don't need to hear that my hair looks nice or that my weight loss is obvious.  What I really struggle with is that I feel like I NEED something that isn't given to me.  I need time to hang out with other women.  I need to have a few hours off the clock, completely off the clock.  I need to get away from my life sometimes.

In all actuality, I don't need these things.  I want them, desperately want them, but I don't need them.  When I start to think that I am entitled to them, it changes me.  I become irrational and short-tempered.  I become more self-focused.  I'm a mess.

So here's what I wonder... do I need it?  We all need to breathe sometimes, but right now, I've been in my basement for several hours without any interruptions from needy children.  I could spend this time doing whatever I want, I suppose.  So is it really necessary for me to "get away"? Or is this enough? Can I recharge my batteries right here without ever leaving the house?

I don't know.  It's something I think about a lot.  It makes sense that I should get a break sometimes.  It just seems like when I fight for it, it's a serious fight.  And sometimes that fight blows up in my face.  Makes me wonder if this whole humility thing goes deeper than my initial understanding of it. My needs always come second in the matter of humility.  Sometimes that means my needs don't get met.

What do you think??

lvb

This morning Dale asked me what I planned to do today. I said, "On the days that I do make plans, things go wrong. When I don't plan anything, I accomplish absolutely nothing. I'm not sure yet."

At noon, I realized that I had not made a plan yet, nor had I accomplished anything. Bare with me as I recount my non-eventful day.

9am Take big kids to volunteer at the thrift store, take little ones to the YMCA, and workout

11:00 Make lunch for Dale and little ones, iron, and feed baby

12:00 Pick up kids from thrift store

2:00 Walk the pet sitters through the necessary care while we are gone

3:00 Pay bills, look at Pinterest for Co-op class ideas

5:00 Take Kennedy to drop off the bearded dragon to his sitter

6:30 Bathe tortoise, clean up house

7:30 Put baby to bed, pack myself  and the little ones, put little ones to bed

8:30 Put topper on truck for the trip

9:30 Make Dale a lunch because Jas made pancakes for dinner for the kiddos. Delicious pancakes that I didn't get more than a few bites of.

10pm Iron and continue packing

10:20 Watch TV with Dale and catch up on Facebook

Midnight, here I am! I know it's petty to write it all out, but it helps me to see that I didn't just blow through this day. In between there was a lot of cleaning, laundry, deliberating fights, and laughing.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed. But I love sitting here next to Dale while he reads. I have a big day tomorrow, working then travelling to my mom's house. After the hard part a sort of vacation will be mine. I can sit here with him for a little while longer.

lvb

Getting better

It was nice to ride the happy hormone wave Friday.  I have to tell you, it was a short ride. 

I've been taking a b-complex supplement along with an evening primrose oil pill.  I don't expect it to start working for another week or so, but I'll do whatever it takes to clean this mess up inside me.  I am very close to going to the doctor.  I know they will try to drug me.  They always do. 

 

Yesterday was not as busy, but my anxiety ran high.  Weird.  I knew I needed to pick the girls up at 11:00 so I planned to leave at 10:15 in order to stay ahead of the clock.  At 10:10 I decided to clean out the filter on our dishwasher. Mmhmm.  You can imagine my surprise when I got in the car at 10:35 and didn't have gas. 

 

My kitchen was a wreck.  I didn't do dishes before bed; I'm lazy like that.  Then after I had the dishwasher taken apart, there were too many to handwash.  My kids do dishes.  I rarely do them.  I'm just out of the habit.  So at two o'clock when I was starving, I sat down to eat Scarlette's leftover food because I was desperate and didn't want to make anything.  There was a glass of water sitting next to her bowl of pasta that I also drank. The kitchen was overwhelming.  It was hard to just focus on the fork.  I snapped a few photos for you.

 

 

You can barely see the brownie crumbs on the table in front of me, the chair in the middle of the floor, the counter piled with dishes, the trash on the floor around the can.  You can just barely see the mess that almost sent me into a fit of hysteria.  Yikes.

I found my happy place in the woosh of the dishwasher.  When I took it apart I found straws.  Lots and lots of pieces of melted, chopped straws that were congesting the filter and causing our dishes to come through cycles filthy.
 

Yay! Project completed.

I was ok until the dryer went out, and I found a water leak in the basement.  boo...  After that I was very mean to my children.  I hurt people's feelings left and right.  It was terrible.  Before Dale came home I fought back a total meltdown. Twice.  The second time hit as I was running a bubble bath.  I managed to block up the floodgates as I slid into the tub.

 

Bubble baths are magical.  I don't know what it is about the water and the bubbles and the quiet, but it soothes me.  I was completely calm when Dale came in.  I wasn't crying, or drinking, or drowning.  I was ok.  It was a good thing because he was exhausted after a very long and trying day.  He couldn't have shouldered my meltdown. 

 

That's Providence. 

 

There's seriously something to the "Calgon, take me away" commercials.  I need to keep that mantra as a reminder that bubbles are good medicine.

 

I'm way too self-focused. Pray for me.  I need to get my eyes on the things that matter.

 

And when your life starts to cave in on you, put the kids to bed and take a bath.  It helps.

 

lvb



Birthday Party Fun!

Every single time we go to a family event in Emporia or Richmond, it is a sweet reminder that the Lord in His mercy has returned us safely home. 

 Dale's cousin's son turned 8 yesterday, sweet boy. Today was the big blow-out celebration. We are distant enough cousins that when I told him the hand-made card was from Leila, he turned to Deisha and politely said, "Thank you, Leila."  Hahahaha!  I love it.  They live in Springfield, it came as no surprise.  But, I believe I will have to make driving the distance to attend all the birthday parties a bigger priority.

 
 

The party was shark themed; it was adorable!  Each of the guests were offered a felt shark fin that was attached to the back of their shirts. Scarlette insisted on bringing this tiny Barbie baby to the party, and then she politely asked for a "shark fang" for her baby.  She was so proud of both fins.

Moses was passed from arms and laps all afternoon.  He was a great sport. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it thrilled me to pieces every time I walked past him and he flailed his little arms to reach me.  I oughta' wake him up and kiss his sweet face right now!

That's Ronan, the birthday boy, there in the front with the green party hat.  Those hats had two black shark eyes and a row of teeth with a goldfish caught in them!  LOVED THEM!  All in all it was a great day.

Happy birthday, sweet boy.  Live it up, the years go by too quickly!

lvb

 

A day in the life

7:30am    Painters arrive and have a party on the roof.

7:31am   All children 7 and under are up and at em, rarin' to go.

7:45am    I resign myself to the fact that I don't have time to make coffee, so I change diapers, dress little ones,  make breakfast, feed the baby, shower, iron, dump some cottage cheese in a container for lunch and round up my stuff.

8:45am    Kennedy and I race out the door to work.

9-11am    I find myself randomly giggling as I work.

11:30am   Dale texts me a message to say that the painters found a problem with our roof.

12:00pm   I fight the urge to laugh uncontrollably about a memory from our trip to West Plains back in March.

1:00pm    Anxiety begins to creep in, but slowly creeps out. This continues to happen all afternoon.

4:00pm    We head home, chatting happily all the way.

5:30pm    After a quick stop at QT, we drop the boys off at the church for the Royals game.

6:00pm    We drop the girls off in another state for a slumber party.

(At this point in real time I have a wave of anxiety just writing this out.)

6:45pm    After getting lost in the ghetto, I decide to forgo a trip to the unseen Aldi and go to Wal-Mart in the Legends. Unbeknownst to me, we have chosen ghetto Wal-Mart on Friday night.

7:53pm    I load the four children 7 and under in the truck praying that no one will assault me while my back is turned, and then put groceries in as quickly as possible paying no attention to what is piled on the eggs and bread for fear of the unseen attacker.

8:20pm    I heat up spaghetti-o's for the self-feeders and attempt to feed cereal to the screaming baby.

8:30pm    I turn on a movie, give candy bars to the self-feeders announcing the commencement of our fun girls night, bathe the baby, put him to bed and put away the thawing groceries.

9:30pm    The little ones go to bed. I fry up a buffalo burger for Dale to take for lunch.  Here is where I decide that I will not get on the treadmill.

9:45pm    Baeba arrives. I am giggly again.

10:40pm   I get a phone call from Micah that they will be arriving at the church in 15 minutes so I hop down on the floor to do plank, which I held for two full minutes.  Boom. And put a on over my inappropriate camisole, hoping no one will look at me.

11:00pm   I arrive at the church. 

11:20pm   The boys arrive at the church.  The new youth pastor, now back from his first youth group trip approaches my car looking exasperated, graciously explains to me that Tre threw up in the backseat. No worries.  He managed to catch it in a cup, but then he spilled it climbing out to dispose of it. (I can't help it.  I am laughing again.  I feel terrible, but I can't stop laughing.)

11:21pm   Before the words are out of his mouth, the sound of metal and glass hitting the ground catches our attention.  I look up to see Micah climbing out of the new youth pastor's shiny new SUV, stepping cautiously over the running board that's lying on the ground. He didn't even step on it, but it happened when he got out. It's off the car.  It's on the ground. (I am laughing out loud again. It's terrible.  I should offer to fix it.Or pay for it.  Maybe I'll make him some brownies.  I feel awful.)

11:26pm I laugh all the way home.

lvb

Struggling

I want to organize my workroom.

I want to take the junk off the top of my bookshelves.

I need to clean the bathroom.

I need to change sheets.

I need to de-clutter my bedroom.

I need to organize toys.

I need to get rid of stuff in my garage so I have some storage areas.

I need to make lesson plans for next school year.

I should go through clothes to see what we need for the fall.

I should make menus for the next week.

I want to take our broken TV apart and see if I can fix it.

I need to do plank for today.

I want to read a book.

I need to put kits together for the preschool art class.

Dale is off tomorrow, so I need to do laundry and catch up my cleaning for tomorrow.

And guess what I did today...

...went to the Y.

...took the kids out for ice cream.

...looked at facebook.

...snuggled Moses.

...planned a dream getaway with Sista that will never happen.

...planned a getaway with Sista to see Sista-in-Law that is happening.

I'm thinking about buying hamburgers for dinner... and making a run for the border.

But here's the thing, if I ditch this life, the only thing I can really leave behind is this house and all this stuff and all this work.  Which would help with this nagging, building anxiety that sits on my chest like a silverback gorilla just waiting to choke the life right out of me.  But eventually I will have to cook and clean and organize.  When you are in charge of managing the lives of this many people, that just goes along with it.

Scarlette is screaming.  I might throw up.

lvb

Summer, summer, summertime... time to sit back and unwind...

This is what it looks like around here sometimes.  I love the view from the other end of the table. Dale is studying, Kennedy is pinning, Jasmine is emailing, and Tre is drawing. Micah is avoiding having his cute mug on my blog. Usually I sit right there where Tre is, but I've relocated to the other end so the high chair won't block the isle.  Have you seen Dale recently?  He gets better looking every time I look at him.  I love that guy.


We have not seen this movie yet, but the cutout was at the theater last week when we saw Despicable Me 2, and I couldn't resist.  That's Deisha in the first picture.

 

Leila wanted all three little girls to be matching, but only Deisha obliged.  At any rate, they looked really cute, and really similar! Scarlette was not sure what was going on here.  She had several meltdowns before she stuck her face through the box.  Love it!

 We had movie passes to a theater in Liberty.  It would be outrageous for us to be in Liberty without making a trip down the road to Savers, the giant thrift emporium.  The girls found a nice workspace while I dug through the craft stuff looking for ideas for my art class next year. It was hard not to buy all of these little work stations.  They look so content under that table.

 

 Jasmine is shown here displaying her delicious ice cream cone next to her pretty, sculpted nails. She really does have pretty hands.  She should consider hand modeling!




 Moses looooves ice cream!  He kept grunting and flailing his arms for more and more of my ice cream cone.  This kid is a heartbreaker!  I just want to kiss his little bald head right now!  I mean, he is perfectly irresistible here, but when he smiles, I just go all to pieces!! He's such a little blessing!

Dana and Lonnie have been making the trip up here once a week, so since it was so hot this week we met at DQ. The boys were too cold inside under the vent; you can see Tre through the window behind Dana.  They stayed outside while we occupied the corner booth.

Leila is never dramatic.  Not now, not here, not ever.  Except when she is very dramatic, which is becoming more and more often.  I have no idea where she gets it. She makes me laugh!

Happy summer days to you, my friends!!

lvb

Updates, in case you were wondering...

So here's what's on my mind.

This day was crazy. My crazy days used to be few and far between.  They are coming more and more often.  It's no bueno. I had a wise friend that told me she made plans for the day in three segments: morning, afternoon, evening.  She preferred to not fill more than one segment in a day, and never made plans in two sections together if she had to fill two.  For example, if she had story time in the morning, and Awanas in the evening, nothing was scheduled in the afternoon segment of the day. I have thought of this over and over.  Some days I have no choice in the schedule, but other times, my poor planning makes for a very high stress day.  I would like to incorporate this simple scheduling technique.

On frugality, I have been using reusable wipes.  My sister gave me a set of 10 that she bought from a friend, the rest are made from baby washcloths and cut up microfiber rags that don't clean windows anymore.  I thought it would be as difficult as using cloth diapers, but it's pretty simple actually.  I keep a plastic bag with the wipe box which is where soiled cloths go.  At the end of the day, I run a load of laundry in hot water and toss them in.  In the morning I mix up some baby soap, some baby lotion, a squirt of baby oil and a lot of water and pour it over the clean wipes.  It helps me to get a load of laundry done and folded every day: practical accountability.  I've only been using them for a week, but so far I really like them!  If you want to make yourself some, the ones we like the best are double thickness flannel that is simply zigzagged together.  Cut them about the same size as standard disposable wipes.

On plank, are you doing it?  I am literally watching my waist shrink after just a few days!  I have been cutting back on calories and walking every day, too, but in the past, my stomach was the last thing to go in the weight loss journey.  Not this time, sister!

Regarding my anxiety level, I have to tell you, right now it is at threat level orange.  My chest is tight.  My breaths are short and shallow.  I've had a pseudo-migraine all day.  I feel emotionally stable, but I am on edge.  I like it better when I feel on the edge of crying.  This kind of edgy makes me irritable and insensitive. I keep picking fights with Dale. It was suggested that it is very likely hormonal.  It's true that it takes at least a year to get back to normal after pregnancy.  I have read that it takes 18 months to fully recover in every aspect.  I remember that because I used to use it as an excuse as to why I hadn't lost all my baby weight! HAHA!  But as far as hormone levels and organ placement all returning to normal, 18 months.  Hmph.  I might have an ulcer by then, or a heart attack.  What would you recommend?  I'm not sure I can cut anything at this point.  I can take more naps though, and  maybe that's what I need.  That really seems to help.

In other news, we are making progress on our summer to-do list!  Today we went to QT and I bought slushies for the whole crew.  I did something that counts today.  That's the goal.

Happy days, my sweet friends!

lvb

Belly, Baby!

I have battled my roly-poly tummy all my life. 

In the seventh grade when I started to care about my appearance, I started doing various exercises on the floor next to my bed before going to sleep at night.  I did crunches, leg lifts, jumping, anything that I could think of that might help me to look thinner.  I guess that's when the obsession started.  I have been on again, off again, for 25 years. 

It wasn't that I was so overweight, I was average size through adolescence and college, After I started having babies I gained, and gained, and gained.  It was terrible.  My body image was so mixed up.  When I was heavy, I thought I was thinner than I was.  When I was thin, I only saw my flawed body as heavy.  As I made my way out of misses sizes and into plus sizes after Trebo, #4, I knew something had to change. 

Dale battled the same demon for years until he found out that he couldn't be a chaplain and maintain that level of overweight and lack of physical fitness.  He got on the weight loss train and only derailed for short stints along the way, always able to get back in gear. To my shame, when he derailed, I derailed and stayed in the pasture grazing to my heart's content!

Now that I am convinced we have had our final addition to the family, I want to get the weight off and start living in maintenance mode.  It's been gains and losses for so long, I worry that I will have physical repercussions.  You know when Luther Vandross died, we all assumed that it was because his weight yo-yoed so drastically for so long that it finally caught up with him.  I don't know if that was why he died, but I don't want that to be my story!

Besides, I am getting older... 37 this year. My body doesn't rebound like it used to.  It takes real work to get the weight off.  In the past, as recently as the months following Scarlette's birth, I was able to eat whatever I wanted as long as I was working out regularly.  I could lose pretty easily.  This time I have to watch what I eat AND exercise.  UGH.  It makes sense, really.  If you run for an hour, your burn 400 calories.  If you eat 4 oreos and drink a glass of 1% milk, you consume 400 calories.  It all comes down to the math.  I guess my metabolism just isn't compensating for my splurges anymore.  boo...

About a month ago, my sister challenged me to start doing push-ups with her. I downloaded the app and hopped to it.  I was doing them three days a week. I had worked up to 57 push-ups and 2 minute planks.  That's what this post is really about.  Within two weeks I noticed results in my arms, and by the third week my waistline had noticeably changed.  My spare-tire was shrinking away!

Plank also has strengthened my lower abs in a way that nothing else ever has.  It was incredible to see such good results from such minimal effort. NO CRUNCHES! I managed to continue doing that regimen through vacation, but as is my pattern, I fell off the wagon right after and have only just gotten back on. 

I have high hopes of trimming my waist down enough to show before and after pictures that will be more inspiring than embarrassing. 

So here's my challenge.  For a full month, I intend to do plank for at least one minute a day.  Do it with me!  See if it doesn't change your waistline and your lower back strength! 

I use a yoga mat, but if you don't have one, just put a towel or something soft under your elbows.  Lie face-down on the floor.  Push your elbows into the towel directly under your shoulders with your fists pressing into the floor, thumb knuckles facing up.  Raise up onto your toes like you're doing a push-up.  Raise your rear just slightly so that the pressure of the position is not too much strain on your lower back.  Now sing happy birthday and hold the position to the end of the song.  That should be about 45 seconds.  You may have to work up to that, but you will get stronger! I like to keep a stopwatch and challenge myself to hold it a little longer.  I always shake and sweat when I get to the last few seconds, that's very common.  It means it's working your whole body! Don't forget to take a (clothed) before picture and keep me posted on your progress!

I will never have a bikini belly, but I hope to not have to adjust my waistband to hide my muffin-top every time change positions! HAHA!!  Besides, that little trick does more for my confidence than it does to fool anyone! 

lvb

Lawless

GOOD GRIEF!  I did NOT know how big that photo was going to be on the last post!!! Yeow!  I guess I better double check before mobile publishing!  HA!

Sometimes I feel like I have burdened my children with the yoke of the law, the Sutton law.

Inside these walls, there must be an order that is carefully maintained, otherwise, seriously, it goes bananas in no time fast.  This applies to dishes, laundry, grocery consumption, volume control, behavior, demands for attention, the messes in the kitchen, the messes on the main floor, the messes in the basement, the yard, the car... the list goes on and on.


I feel like I bark orders day in and day out. 

Here's what I mean.  I walk into the kitchen in the morning, and there is a stack of papers on the table.  There is a glob of jelly that has trailed from the countertop, down the cabinet door, into a heap on the floor. The bread bag is wide open on top of the fridge with a few stray slices falling out. The trash is overflowing.  There is a pile of wet towels on the floor next to the trash can, and beneath the water dispenser on the fridge is a puddle of water.  The milk is on the counter.  The dishes are piled in both sinks.  The water is running.  The front door is open.  The garage door is open.  The dogs are whining next to the food bowls...  AAAAAAHHHHH!

You think I exaggerate... it's real.  I get so overwhelmed.  I get so frustrated as I go through the list.  If I don't hold anyone accountable, no one will ever change.  Sometimes I start in and never stop all day long.  "Clean up your mess on the table.  Who used the jelly?  Clean it up! Who put the bread away?  You need to close up the end before you put it up or it will dry out.  Would you please take the trash out?  Yes, all of the trash on the floor too, and put the lid on the trash can..."  It just keeeeeeps going.  I feel like an like a bossy pants.  I feel like I am saddling these poor kids with unnecessary burdens. 

Here's the problem.  I don't know what to do.  How do I balance grace with teaching these kids responsibility?  I want to do it right, but I'm not sure what right is!  I just grounded one of the boys from eating Doritos on splurge day because he ate some chips without permission.  At bedtime.  And he left the bag open in the pantry. Is it worth it?  It was a few chips!  ugh.

On top of it all, I know that I could not bear the weight of this burden the way they do.  I don't keep the rules I put on them.  I think that is what makes me feel the worst.

I have great parents.  In hindsight, they seem to have been really balanced, not too dramatic, and careful to be fair.  Growing up was pretty easy-breezy. I don't need therapy.  I'm happy! I just wish I knew the answers more often, like they always seemed to.


I have this anxiety, see.  I have this knot in my stomach.  I can't get a full breath.  It comes and goes, but it mostly comes and hangs around.  I don't know if it's my life, the busyness, the intensity, the sheer constancy.  Or maybe it's the lurch, the changes.  I'm working, Dale's days off changed, our bills changed, and next month school is starting for him and for us.  I can't pinpoint it because it's with me all the time.  Nothing makes it better or worse.  WAAAH! 

For what it's worth, I think I my children are happy.  As long as Dale and I are getting along, they are good. But what about the future?  Are they going to get out of here and go far, far away, rebelling from the iron fist of the law?  Who can predict.  I can't live my life in fear, but sheesh. I gotta get a grip. 

lvb

Makeup

Maybe you remember a few months ago when I was desperate for an update. Was I around back then? I was feeling of and frumpy. I had my eat friend won't for my hair, and I went to my in house makeup expert to update my face.

Kennedy says that black liquid eyeliner is critical for modern makeup. I was reluctant at first, but one I went for it, I loved the look.

The other morning I and Dale I'd the thought I was wearing to much. He said the black was too thick.

I decided to pare it down a little today. In the bathroom mirror, ii like it. After looking at the picture, I realize you're badly I nerd the black.

My red hair lends itself to invisible eyelashes and eye brows, which makes my eyes disappear when I have no makeup on.

Here's my dilemma. I heard some guys saying that women wear makeup for other women. I was incensed at the time, but now I'm thinking there may be something to that!  I want him to like how I look, but I also want to like what I see in the mirror!

What do you think?

Lvb

And a new chapter begins

I'm super excited about Dale starting school next month! 

He got books in the mail this week.  I love to walk into a room and see him in the zone with his head in another world.  Today we all sat around the dining room table after dinner while he studied.  The little ones colored and clipped coupons with me, the big kids did their own thing with their devices.  It was kind'a great!

It's amazing to me how different he is already.  He's focused.  He's determined.  He's awesome! 

I walked through the kitchen last night after it was all cleaned up and had one of those moments.  You know the moments when you see a snapshot of your life, and you realize how good you have it? 

He is in pursuit of the impossible dream.  I mean, seriously, eight kids, a high stress job, a high maintenance wife; who would take on a PhD? 

I am excited for him to see it all come to fruition.  He's made my dreams come true, I look forward to doing everything I can to help him.

Happy summer days, my sweet friends!!

lvb

Fourth of July 2013

We spent the Fourth of July in Richmond with the Suttons.  It couldn't have been a more perfect day to sit under a shade tree and drink sweet.

 

 That is exactly what we did for most of the day right here in this circle.

When we lived in California, I was telling a neighbor how excited I was to be moving back to Missouri, as if anywhere but the Sunshine State were inferior.

 

 I said, "Because in Missouri, we sit outside and drink sweet tea in the evenings.  It's the good life!"

 She looked at me like I had lobsters crawling on my face.

 I wouldn't trade this for life in California for million bucks.  Unless I could get a promise that we could move back in six months.  Then I'd take the mil. 

 Moses has had a rough couple of days.  He's still not himself.  Three days of fever and fussing and incessant drooling has me convinced that those top teeth are coming.  I hope that's all it is...

 Grandma and Grandpa Welker stayed and stayed right here in this spot.  I am so thankful for the cool breeze and the shade that kept them comfortable for so long.  It was a blessing for them to be surrounded by family!

 There was food.

 There were fireworks.

 There was swimming.

And there was a dog.

 

It was a great 4th of July!  One for the books.  That's what they say, ya' know. One for the books.

 

lvb

La vida domestica

This afternoon I found my necklace dangling in the peanut butter jar.

Seriously? In the jar?  Come on! 

What could I do?  I knew the culprit was either five or two (years old).  Yelling would only cause trauma to their little psyches, and for what?  A dumb necklace that someone gave me instead of tossing it in a donation bag?  Not today.

It was a busy day, see.  We scrambled through the morning to get dressed for sweet Ashton's memorial service, in between Dale going to the Y, and the painters coming to prep for next week's paint job. Moses was super fussy and a little feverish, but it seems like someone is feverish everyday around here so I didn't think much of it.  He napped through breakfast, so I gave him another bottle on the way to the cemetery.  Jasmine held him while I got situated with the baby sling and just as I reached for him, he threw up.  It wasn't spit up, it was projectile vomit.  Poor dude... poor Jas.  He got us both, but I didn't agonize over my outfit this morning like she did.  I stripped his shorts off, scrubbed his shirt with wipes and we headed over to the gravesite. 

On the way, he lost it again.  This time it went all over his shirt and down my leg.  Third time he totaled his blanket, and boom.  He was down to a diaper and no blanky, and I was pukey from top to bottom.  I didn't care.  There was way too much going on for me to stress over clothes. I did feel sorry for my little dude... he was so fussy, and it was pretty hot in the sun.

The service was peaceful, but painful.  This little life left a big hole.  The only hope comes with knowing that he is with Jesus.  I'm a tiny bit envious... He is there in heaven right now!

We had lunch after the service in KC. By the time we got home, I was wiped out.  I climbed in bed to snuggle Moses, but it was a long time before I drifted off.  He fussed and wiggled and finally went to sleep in his own bed.  Dinner rolled around pretty quickly so I told the kids to make sandwiches since we ate a late lunch at the restaurant. 

This is how my necklace ended up in the peanut butter jar.  I was comatose in my room while Deisha, I am guessing, made herself a sandwich.  The necklace must have been hanging in her way, so she hung it close by, on the jar. Ha! 

Mostly I am grateful that I didn't have to make dinner or clean it up.  As a matter of fact, when Dale got home, he fried bacon and eggs for both of us!  ...sweet boy.  I love him... 

I think Moses is trying to cut that top tooth again.  There is a bump on his gums that is a new development.  His fever dropped off by early afternoon, so hopefully he will be up to par for tomorrow's festivities! 

In case I don't make it back here, Happy 4th of July, my sweet friends!  I just adore you!  Thank the Lord for our Independence as you blow things up tomorrow!!

lvb

sadness...

My closest cousin had a terrible calamity in his family this week.

He had to let his beautiful son go into the precious arms of Jesus, only two hours after his birth. 

We are so, so sad for the whole family.  I am sick for them.  I cannot imagine what must be going on in their minds.

Ashton was very sick in utero with cystic kidney disease, but we were all praying and holding out hope for a miracle.  For whatever reason, his miracle came on the other side of this life.

Sadness.

I bathed Moses and my little girls and washed my hair tonight to cut some of the mad-dash chaos down in the morning. As I was thinking about what I would wear tomorrow, I thought about my cousin's wife. She's beautiful and strong.  I wonder how she is functioning right now, days after childbirth, preparing for the funeral.  The hormones alone... I am praying for her over and over and over again. It's breaking my heart.

These two have taken hits for the past year, one thing after the next.  I have watched them pick up the pieces and move on repeatedly trusting the Lord to lead.  It's terrible to witness.  I have been in that dark and lonely valley.  I was there for a long time.  It's harder than it seems.

Please pray for them.  It sounds cliché, but Jesus is more tangible in the darkness than any other time.  He is bigger and stronger and more powerful when we are small and weak and helpless.  Pray that they do not lose heart.  He will heal the broken places, but the healing hurts.

lvb

Recovery

I don't think I can do it today. 

 I feel mean.  I feel hostile.  Baby's crying. Dog's barking. TV's broke.  Bank account's broke. Everyone's mad at me.  It's 9:25 AM. Now there's some error message that keeps popping up at the top of the screen. I'm about ready to have a total freak out.

I don't even want to do it.  What I want to do is drop the blinds, put my earplugs in, and get back in my bed.  I want to stay there alllllll day.  But I can't.  I have all these kids and this insurmountable mountain of responsibility to tackle today. 

There is a big pile of laundry on the living room floor... all mine.  I have to deal with it before anything else.

Its a really good thing I don't drink because I have the potential to be a serious drinker. It's just in me, waiting for me to cross that line. I know that because when I feel like this, I think about mixing up a cocktail.  These women on TV that start the day with a cocktail, I get it.  That tells me that I am fully capable of being that girl, except for grace. God help me... I'm weak.

The Baptist church is starting Celebrate Recovery in a few weeks, so they are doing a series to prepare the church for the influx of souls that will seek refuge in our church.  So the preachers asks, "What are you recovering from?" At first I thought, "These poor drug addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics.  They have such screwed up lives.  Only God can help them.  I should do something to help."

The more he talked, the more I looked at my own screwed up mess.  It looks good from the outside, people.  It really does.  I wish you could've seen my hair yesterday.  It looked so good!  But I am a mess.  I have problems, and I try to cover them with my great big optimism and faith.  I heard someone on the radio talking about nurturing the inward beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, and I got tears in my eyes.  I am so far from that... so, so far.  (But the hair counts for something, right?)

He says, "The first step in AA is to admit that you can't control whatever it is."

I wrote on my paper, "Money.  Food,  Anger." 

I can't control our money.  I can't control what I eat.  I can't control this wave of insane anger that takes over me. 

There. I admitted it.  Now what?  Do I need to go to Celebrate Recovery?  I'm thinking about it.  If only I had an extra couple of hours each week to go to the meetings.  If I thought it would make a difference, I'd really go.  But I don't believe it would help me.  Some help I'll be for the poor souls that really believe in it. 

What's wrong with me...?

I am overwhelmed. I need help.  I need God to help me. 

I'm not sure I can do this today.

lvb